im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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