Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
