I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
