What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
