Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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