need another drink. this is the easiest way
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
