I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
