No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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