I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
