I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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