So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
