so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
