At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
