is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
