Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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