I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
