guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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