I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize