remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
