Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
