If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Acid is not a monday night drug
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I would fuck him just for his dog
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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