Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
