Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
