how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
