Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
