I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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