there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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