I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
