Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
