eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
