i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
