mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
