hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My ass is underappreciated
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
