A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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