She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize