You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
