I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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