my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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