You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
