I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
