OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Enjoy the penises
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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