That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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