I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
All the doctor said was why
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
