I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
