Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
farters have to be the big spoon...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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