is your mom at the bar?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
