Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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