I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
