I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
