So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
