i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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