when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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