i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
