see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
