I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
