I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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