just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Bring me that man meat
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
