your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
