So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
