Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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