She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
