It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
