M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
