Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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