There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
